Chapter 55 — Are You Happy?

_October 2, 1989, McKinley, Ohio_

{psc} "I'm all ears, Lissa," I replied.

"I know for a _fact_ that's not true!" she smirked.

"Whatever! What's your theory?"

"What was your major dispute with Doctor Mercer? I mean, at its core?"

I thought for a few seconds, then said, "Her reliance on statistics over individual diagnosis."

"No, I don't think so. What was the one thing you demanded she do?"

"I think I'm missing your point here."

"That she refused to agree with you even when you were positive she knew you were right. With Doctor Mercer, it was acknowledging that Angie wasn't a statistic and shouldn't have been treated as if she was. With Doctor Gibbs, it's acknowledging that she had once agreed with you. In both cases, you were right, and you knew it. All you wanted was an acknowledgment, not even an agreement."

I considered her analysis for about a minute before I responded.

"I see your point," I said. "But I think it was deeper with Doctor Mercer."

"More visceral, yes, but in the end, it was when she acknowledged you were right that you were able to restore your relationship, at least to a point."

"Well, Doctor Gibbs has shown absolutely no indication of even acknowledging a fact from the past, so I don't see any way forward except a purely professional relationship."

"You know that will happen with others in the future."

"Yes, and if I hadn't considered Doctor Gibbs a friend, nothing would have changed. What bothers _her_ is I'm not interested in being her friend. She can change that in a heartbeat. Or are you suggesting I be friends with someone who betrays me and denies the truth?"

"My turn to play your game, Petrovich!" Clarissa declared. "Consider these…"

{_ Immediately a rooster crowed. And Peter remembered the word of Jesus who had said to him, "Before the rooster crows, you will deny Me three times." So he went out and wept bitterly. _}

"And…"

{_ He said to them, "But who do you say that I am?"

Simon Peter answered and said, "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God."

Jesus answered and said to him, "Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonah, for flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but My Father who is in heaven. And I also say to you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build My church, and the gates of Hades shall not prevail against it. _}

"Very good, Lissa! Did you memorize those for today?"

"You know I do pay attention in church, right?" Clarissa asked.

"I do, and therefore you know that Peter repented. That's the key! Heck, I don't even need Doctor Gibbs to repent, only acknowledge that she, at one time, agreed with me and had told me so."

"Playing the Devil's Advocate…"

"That's Roman practice," I said, interrupting her. "The devil has plenty of advocates! The church doesn't need to appoint one!"

Clarissa rolled her eyes theatrically.

"And you know the purpose!" she said. "To present the counter-arguments! The point I was going to make, before I was so rudely interrupted, is this — don't you think Doctor Gibbs is concerned about retaliation from Doctor Northrup? And that he might have _ordered_ her not to support your position?"

"Then she should have said so! That, too, would be different. Instead, she simply evaded the question. A simple 'I was told not to engage with you on this topic in any way under threat of my job' would explain it."

"Unless she was told to not say that."

"Now we're getting into KGB levels of thought and behavior control! And let's assume that's true, once Doctor Cutter made it clear that I was permitted to speak my opinion in a professional manner, that put Northrup in a difficult position."

"And the only person he can take it out on is Doctor Gibbs," Clarissa countered.

"And if things go the way everyone expects, Doctor Cutter will be Doctor Northrup's boss, and Northrup will bail. And do you think Doctor Anderson would tolerate any action against Doctor Gibbs?"

"Actually, you don't know that, and, in fact, that might be part of the problem. What if Doctor Anderson thinks Doctor Northrup should succeed him?"

"Then he's fighting what is likely a losing battle," I replied.

"And might take down Doctor Gibbs out of spite. You don't know all the relationships or the internal intrigue because you try to avoid it like the plague. But you know people CAN be that petty. Think about Dean Parker."

"I'd rather not."

"But you get my point, right?"

"Yes, I do, and let's assume all of that is true. That means, then, that Doctor Gibbs doesn't trust me to not rat her out."

"Would you put your career in someone else's hands? Wait! Never mind! You do that all the time!"

"Hence your repeated lament that you can't leave me unsupervised for thirty seconds! But do you see my point at least?"

"I suppose so. Usually I find a weakness in your behavior or thinking, but this time I think you might be right."

"Bobby spoke to me and made the comment that both Doctor Gibbs and I are as stubborn as mules."

"He's not wrong about you!" Clarissa declared gleefully.

"He, I come by my stubbornness honestly! I've said so myself, because I consider it a good trait, especially when I'm advocating for my patients or for change that benefits everyone, even if it ruffles some feathers."

"And you only get away with it because, and I hate to feed your ego, you're so dammed good at being a doctor."

"Hard work and dedication pay off," I replied. "It hasn't been easy for any of us — you, Maryam, Fran, Peter, and Nadine — and I'd say we're all damned good _junior_ doctors. And it's only through continued study, continued hard work, and continued dedication that we'll become damned good Attendings. And we both know Third and Fourth Years with the same traits.

"In the end, I know I'm not the smartest, but I challenge you to find anyone who works harder or studies more. I often hear that it 'comes so easy' for me, but it doesn't. None of this is easy, which I know you know. It only appears easy because I have my flashcards with me all the time, and I'm fastidious about my practice."

"I believe the word you're looking for is 'anal'!" Clarissa smirked.

"What is the primary trait of a surgeon?"

"Doing the same thing the same way every single time unless there is strong evidence contraindicating the standard."

"As I described it to Kris, being obsessive and compulsive are the primary characteristics of surgeons. Do you remember the characteristics of obsessive–compulsive personality disorder?"

"They should put your picture in the textbook!" Clarissa smirked. "It's an excessive obsession with rules, lists, schedules, and order. That's accompanied by a need for perfection that, when taken to an extreme, interferes with efficiency and the ability to complete tasks, or a devotion to productivity that hinders interpersonal relationships and leisure time. It also involves rigidity and zealousness on matters of morality and ethics. And it manifests restricted expression of emotion. In other words, Michael Peter Loucks, MD, Orthodox zealot!"

I laughed, "I won't deny resembling that in basically every way. Orthodoxy cuts both ways, though, because in the quest for perfection, it understands we will miss the mark. Having that understanding attenuates the perfectionism that would otherwise override the mentality necessary to be a trauma specialist — it's not about perfect outcomes, it's about keeping them alive, even if it's not 'perfect'."

"And the line between it being a mental illness and a positive trait is unclear."

"The key is that I'm able to maintain relationships. Which takes us full circle to your comment about what's wrong. I don't need Doctor Gibbs to be perfect, I need her to be trustworthy. Those are two very different things. That said, this conversation has been helpful, because it's forced me to distill the problem down to its essence."

"You know how much I care for you, Petrovich!"

"I do. And may I engage in a bit of shameless Russian promotion and supremacy?"

Clarissa laughed, "Which thing now?"

"It's actually on topic! Пётр Бори́сович Га́ннушкин (_Pyotr Borisovich Gannushkin_), a Russian psychiatrist, developed a very early theory of personality disorders, which he called 'psychopathies'. He developed the main methodological aim of social psychiatry, which, in my opinion, appropriately analyzes interpersonal and cultural aspects of mental wellbeing."

"Your belief that in a pre-industrial society, Angie would not suffer the way she has in our so-called 'modern' society."

"Yes, and one of Gannushkin's professors, Серге́й Серге́евич Ко́рсаков (_Sergei Sergeyevich Korsakov_) said something very important — 'mental patients should not be regarded as soulless creatures: they should be considered personalities familiar to everyone who is somehow related to them'. Sadly, his teaching has largely been ignored."

"When was that?"

"Sometime in the 1890s, when Gannushkin was studying under him at Moscow State University. Interestingly, he went straight from the equivalent of High School into the medical school program at Moscow State. The program was five years, and he had an MD. Sound familiar?"

"Similar to the European systems we discussed."

"In those systems, we'd have become doctors two or three years ago. And I honestly don't think our practice of medicine would have suffered from what would have amounted to taking fewer electives as undergraduates. I'm all for a well-rounded education, but given it takes a minimum of eleven years from High School graduation to become an Attending, and as much as twenty for the most demanding specialties, cutting out two or three years of classroom work wouldn't hurt, and I believe it would help."

There was a knock at the door, and I called out for whomever it was to come in.

"There are patients in the waiting room," Sophia said. "Are you going to be much longer?"

"We're finished," I said. "Let's go see some sick people, Lissa!"

_October 4, 1989, McKinley, Ohio_

"Doctor Mike, you have a phone call," Tamara said to me at 11:15am on Wednesday. "Line 2."

I went to my small office at the Free Clinic and picked up the handset.

"Mike Loucks," I said.

"Mike, it's Lara. Do you have a moment?"

"I do. What's up?"

"I have the details for our trip to Chicago on the 14th. Got a pen and paper?"

"Always!" I said, taking my personal notebook from my pocket. "Go ahead."

"We'll leave from Pickaway County Memorial Airport, which is convenient to all of us, at 0900 on Saturday, October 14th. The flight to Chicago is about two hours, and we'll land at Meigs Field, which is just outside the Loop on the lakefront. I booked three rooms at the Intercontinental Hotel for Saturday night."

Which meant she and Nathan were sharing a room, which didn't surprise me at all, and was a logical development in their relationship.

"I arranged for a limo to take us from the hotel to the church," she continued. "That's Saint George Antiochian, in Cicero. I called and verified with Father Nicholas Dahdal that we'll all be able to receive the Eucharist. Knowing your preference, we'll arrive in time for Matins. We'll have lunch at the church with the congregation following the Divine Liturgy.

"The wedding is at 2:00pm, with the reception starting at 4:00pm. Our flight home will depart Meigs at 2100, so we'll leave the reception around 8:15pm, which, according to Maryam, will be after they cut the cake. We're back at Pickaway County around 12:15am with the time change, and you should be in bed by 12:45am or so. I know that means you only get about three hours of sleep, but I don't think that can be avoided."

"That sounds like the best we can do," I replied. "Flying commercial would be worse, and there's no way I'm going to miss Maryam's wedding. The only fly in the ointment is that Clarissa and I both need to find someone to cover for us on Saturday. Kylie is available, but we're having difficulty finding a second person. I'm going to ask Ghost, even though he's an Attending, because he has Saturday off. My other option is to see if Gale Turner from the Free Clinic can do it."

"Why two trauma docs?" Lara asked.

"Clarissa is doing a two-month rotation in the ED. It's a new protocol for training Internal Medicine Residents. A trauma Resident is assigned to Medicine in exchange."

"That narrows your options, right?"

"Yes. Pretty much any Resident from any service can cover Medicine, but that's not true for trauma. It's the same with nursing."

"That would suck if she can't take time off."

"I know. We're working on it. Tessa doesn't start her new role until November 1st, and has enough vacation saved up that her last day in the Hayes County Dispatch Center is October 12th. And of course, you, Nathan, and Kris have weekends off."

"Let me know about Clarissa and Tessa, so I can cancel their room if necessary."

"I will. I'm fairly confident we'll find someone."

"I'll let you go, then. Oh, one more thing, pack only what you absolutely need, as there is limited space on the plane with six passengers."

"Will do. Thanks for arranging everything."

"You're welcome!"

We said 'goodbye' and after I hung up, I went to an exam room where Michelle had brought a walk-in patient with an infected laceration on his finger. I treated him, ate lunch I bought at the nearby deli, then had a busy afternoon in the Free Clinic before picking up Rachel from daycare and heading home for dinner. After dinner, Kris, Rachel, and I attended Vespers at the Cathedral, then headed home to put Rachel to bed. Once she was in her bed, Kris and I continue our attempts to make a baby.

_October 5, 1989, McKinley, Ohio_

"How have your first few days in the ED been?" I asked Nicole just before noon on Thursday.

"Pretty amazing! None of my friends have had the kind of opportunities you've provided."

"I took Doctor Osler's ideas and methodology to heart. Just keep up the good work and you'll be able to use your procedure book as evidence you should be allowed to do more than the typical Third Year on your upcoming rotations. No guarantees, obviously, but if you don't ask, it won't happen."

"I didn't ask you!" she observed.

"I'm different," I replied.

"TRUTH!" Sophia declared with a silly smile.

"I could assign you scut for the next seven weeks, Greek Girl!"

"But you won't!" she declared mirthfully.

"We'll see you on Monday, Nicole," I said. "Sophia, get a chart please, and work up the next patient. Take Marv with you."

"Right away!" Sophia declared.

Nicole left, and I went to talk to Ghost about the 14th.

"We can't really trade," he said. "But I'll take the shift in exchange for you and Clarissa both owing me favors to be collected at some point in the future."

"We really appreciate that."

"Thank Oksana; she insisted I help you and Clarissa. And on that, I have news."

"When is she due?"

"Honeymoon baby!" Ghost declared with a grin. "Late April."

"Talk about not wasting any time!" I chuckled. "Congratulations!"

"She's telling Kris today, so please don't spill the beans in advance."

"Mum's the word!"

"Mike? Nate called out. "Bobby Murphy would like a word."

"Is that about what I think it's about?" Ghost asked.

I nodded, "Yes."

"You know my take," he said.

"And you know mine. Excuse me, please."

I walked towards the ambulance bay where Bobby was standing just inside the doors.

"How do we solve this?" Bobby asked.

"Nothing has changed," I replied. "All Doctor Gibbs has to do is admit that she, in the past, had agreed with my position on relationships between doctors and medical students. She can do so privately, and I won't ever repeat it. The bottom line is, if she can't trust me enough to admit that she did agree with me in the past, no matter what she thinks now, then a friendship is nigh-on-impossible."

"I don't know all the details, but I'm sure you know there are other forces at work."

"Oh, I'm fully aware. And that's why I said a _private_ admission. There's an alternative, and that's to admit that she was ordered by Doctor Northrup not to express an opinion under threat of discipline. If that's true, I can understand. But again, she has to tell me. And if she was forbidden from telling me, and thinks there is ANY risk in violating that order, again, she's not viewing me as the close friend I thought we were."

"Northrup is a bastard," Bobby growled. "But forget I said that, because Lor would have severe trouble if anyone knew I'd said that, because they'd blame her."

"And you think I'd _ever_ sell you down the river that way? Or Doctor Gibbs?"

"No. I just don't know what to do. Lor is unhappy and upset, and that's causing tension at home."

"I'm sorry," I replied. "I'm not sure what you want me to do, because pretending everything is cool and nothing happened isn't a recipe for success. I had a long talk with Clarissa Saunders about it, and she's good about whacking me on the nose with a rolled up newspaper when I'm off base. She didn't on this."

"Don't get me wrong, Doc. I understand your point completely. I hope you understand my position."

"I do."

Sam, who was sitting in the squad outside, turned on the flashing lights indicating they had a call, so Bobby quickly left and I walked back to Nate's desk just in time for Marv to let me know they were ready for me. I saw Clarissa, so let Marv know I'd come into the room in two minutes, then walked over to Clarissa.

"Ghost will take the Saturday shift," I said. "Oksana insisted he help me, but given we can't trade, we both owe him a favor to be collected in the future."

"Worth it!" Clarissa declared, then smirked, "What do you owe Kylie?"

"She would never sleep with a married man, so even if I would, she wouldn't! I'll take a shift for her sometime in December, including a holiday shift. I figure the scales are tipped heavily in her favor at this point in terms of who owes who. She doesn't see it that way, but I do."

"Tessa found a house to rent about a mile from you, which we're going to see after our Saturday shift.

"Cool! I'll see you later, I have a patient waiting."

"Me, too, I just need a 'comfort break'."

"You can say you need to pee, Lissa!" I chuckled.

"You're a nut, Petrovich! But you're my nut!"

She went towards the locker room while I went into Exam 5.

"We have to stop meeting like this," I chuckled. "How are you, Detective?"

"Feeling like an idiot," Detective Kleist replied. "I'm on desk duty until the end of October due to my knee. I tried to roll my chair backwards, and it tipped over. I smacked my head, and my captain insisted I get checked out."

"Sophia?"

"BP 110/70; pulse 72; PO₂ 100%; no neurological impairment."

"I'll perform a quick exam to confirm," I said.

I did that and confirmed Sophia's findings.

"Go home, rest, take Advil for any headache, and be careful!"

"I'm really not a klutz, Doc! Honest!"

"I believe you, but please try to avoid needing medical attention!"

"The offer of a drink still stands, Doc!"

"Given I work six days a week for at least the next month, there isn't a twelve-hour window where I could have a beer."

"Someday you have to take us up on buying you drinks."

"I'll keep the raincheck."

I picked up the chart, filled out the discharge form, signed it, and handed Detective Kleist a copy.

"You're all set," I said."

She, my students, and I all left the exam room, and I instructed Sophia to retrieve another chart. We had a busy afternoon, I had dinner with Matt Olson from Pediatrics, and then a relatively quiet evening in the ED.

_October 6, 1989, McKinley, Ohio_

On Friday evening, Kris and I had dinner with our bandmates, then the band gathered to practice, as this was the only possible night before our gig on the 20th in Newtown.

"It's time to bid for Proms," Kim said as we unpacked our gear. "Hayes County, Harding County, Milford, and Goshen are all possible."

"Go ahead and bid," I said. "I have no idea what my schedule will be in April or May. I'm sure I can trade for one, but more than that is an iffy proposition. It was actually easier to trade shifts as a medical student than it is as a Resident."

"Why is that?" Sticks asked.

"As a med student, anyone in the same year who had done a rotation on the same service could fill in. Now, only trauma docs or surgeons could fill in, and I can't trade with anyone except the small group of Residents. That will change in the next year, because all Residents in Internal Medicine and Pediatrics will have eight-week trauma rotations. For next weekend when I'm going to Maryam's wedding, I had to ask an Attending, and that only worked because he's married to Oksana, who is Kris' cousin, and Oksana encouraged him to say 'yes' to my request."

"Thanks for doing that," José said.

"You're welcome!" I replied, "Shall we practice?"

"Where's Rachel, if it's OK to ask," Sierra inquired.

"She's having a sleepover with Abigail," I replied. "And I'm sure they're both being spoiled rotten by Anicka!"

"That's what grandmas do!" Sticks declared. "I think it's a law!"

"I think he's right," José said.

"Let's kick off with _Cincinnati, Ohio_," Kim said. "Then the _WKRP_ theme. Then José with _Que Sera, Sera_."

I had practiced the two songs on my own and we had to run through them three times each for me to get the timing and cues down.

"Sorry," I said at the end of the session. "Maybe you want to play without me for the rest of the year."

"No way!" José declared. "You were fine. Missing a few cues is no big deal and if, and I mean if, it happens next Friday, nobody is going to care."

"He's right, Mike," Sticks interjected.

"I'll only take one Prom gig," Kim said. "None of us need the extra money, and we don't want to break up. I'd rather take time off than play without you."

"Thanks," I replied.

I packed up my gear and Kris and I left the music room, opting to go to Verner's for ice cream.

"Are you happy, Mike?" Kris asked as we walked in the brisk October air.

"I think so," I replied. "Do you feel I'm not?"

"It just seems something is bothering you."

"If so, then it's subconscious. Well, the situation with Doctor Gibbs, but it doesn't bother me the way the situation with Doctor Mercer bothered me. What makes you think something is bothering me?"

"I can't put my finger on it, but something just seems off."

"Am I doing something that makes you unhappy, or that has Rachel out of sorts?"

"No! I'm sorry if I conveyed the idea that you were making _me_ unhappy. I'm not! And Rachel is very happy. She very much likes spending time with her friends in daycare and with Abi, though she could do without little Viktor."

I chuckled, "There are days when Anna could do without little Viktor!"

"Anna says he's very much like Geno's brother in California."

"I think, actually, Viktor is simply a normal male toddler who needs more physical activity. I've seen a trend towards more sedentary lifestyles, especially with kids playing video games, and it's not a good trend. But we're moving away from your concern. I promise you I'm very happy with you, with Rachel, and with being a doctor, even if I find some parts of medicine to be frustrating."

Kris smiled, "Mostly the parts that are the kinds of things I'll be doing working in public administration."

"You're more than welcome to those tasks! But, really, I do understand their necessity, as, for example, the new ED and new surgical wing wouldn't be possible without someone managing the process of building and outfitting them. What truly bothers me is politics, especially when it gets in the way of patient care. But that doesn't make me unhappy. Or at least I think it doesn't."

"I could be wrong, too, Mike, but something feels different about you, but as I said, I can't really identify it."

"Then I'm not sure what to say or do," I replied. "I _think_ I'm happy, and from what you're saying, you feel as if I'm not. There is no doubt in my mind that I love you and want to be with you. And I don't think anyone, including Rachel, can doubt how much I love and care for her."

"Except for Rachel, when you deny her grapes, fries, or chocolate!" Kris declared.

"She's entitled to her opinions," I chuckled. "But that doesn't mean she gets what she wants all the time, any more than you or I do! But again, back to your concern, I'm not sure what to do about it. I wonder, also, if your feeling has to do with our relationship evolving, which it had to do, given our decision to marry was made within a few hours of meeting each other.

"We're past the point where all the practical considerations have been dealt with, and we're into a different phase. Soon enough, we'll add another member to our family, which will change the dynamics. I suspect the Tsarina will have her nose bent out of joint, at least for a time, especially if we give her a little brother."

We arrived at Verner's, bought our ice cream, and sat down at a table in the corner.

"If you could change anything, what would it be?" Kris asked.

"The number of hours I have to put in at the hospital, but to change things the way I think they ought to be changed, requires a fundamental shift in medical education practices. I think we've discussed my idea that we switch to a system more like the ones in Europe, but I've concluded the best approach would be two years of intensive academics followed by two years of clinical rotations, and then Residency, cutting out four years of what amounts to wasted effort.

"Medical education, at least in the US, is predicated on an MD being an advanced degree, but it's not. I mean, yes, technically, it's a post-graduate degree, but it's neither a PhD nor a Master's. It is, in many ways, not all that different from the Master Electrician's license Elias will have by the time he's my age. And his training program is similar, though it didn't require an undergraduate degree."

"You don't see a difference between an electrician and a medical doctor?"

"Of course I do, but I was pointing out that medical training is very much handled like the trades — Apprentice, Journeyman, Master are the equivalent of Sub-Intern, Resident, and Attending. And a complete rethink is in order, at least as I see it."

"I understand your point, but I meant about our family!"

"But that _is_ about our family," I countered. "I would have more free time to spend with you and Rachel, because by this point, I'd be in the fourth or fifth year of my Residency, instead of the first! Perhaps I should have simply said 'more time with you and Rachel' instead of giving a speech."

"It's something you care passionately about."

"But I also care passionately about you and Rachel," I replied. "And maybe that's the source of the feelings you have — that I put literally everything into the context of practicing medicine."

"It's who you are, Mike. To do any different would be to deny the truth about yourself. And I don't feel as if you've done anything different from what you said when we first discussed what would happen, and I certainly don't think Rachel is at all bothered by spending time in daycare or with Abi."

"If Milena and Anicka are any guide, then those two are going to be terrors in about thirteen years!"

"Feel free to decline to answer, but I have the idea that you and Milena were more than just friends at one point."

"We were very close," I replied. "I helped her understand herself and her need to reconnect with Joel. If you ask her the story about Joel, I'm sure she'll tell you. What clued you in?"

"The way you sing together. It's very different from how you sing with Kari. And Sophia commented on some of your performances together at Proms."

"Both Anicka and Milena were, and are, close friends, and I wouldn't be the man I am without their friendship and guidance over the years. We discussed how Anicka was important in ensuring that Janice Parker didn't run roughshod over male students in her misguided quest to replace perceived misogyny with enforced misandry."

"You don't think women are discriminated against?"

"They are, as I've pointed out many times, but meritorious selection based on grades is _not_ misogynistic. It might, because of _other_ acts of discrimination, lead to skewed results, but that doesn't make it discriminatory. The solution is not to reject meritorious selection or the use of grades, but to fix the problem at its source — and that means starting at the earliest stages of education, and not directing female students to jobs that are 'for girls' and away from jobs that are 'for guys'.

"Math and science were considered 'male' activities when I was in elementary school and High School. That's the true source of the problem. Well, in education, anyway. 1950s values are the true problem, and we don't live in the 1950s, nor do we have those conditions, which were very rare, and which you and I have discussed. Fundamentally, we need to disabuse people that we can somehow recreate what they feel is a Golden Age."

"Where women were only allowed to be wives and mothers, and those who wished to have a career were scorned and blocked at every turn."

"I didn't say I felt the 50s were a Golden Age! But what I'm saying is that true feminism, and true equality, can only come if we remove the impediments and change minds. What we don't want to do is eliminate merit as our primary guidance for, as an example, selecting honor students."

"But aren't some standards purposefully rigged against women?"

"I suppose it depends on how you look at it. If a reel of firehose has to be carried, it has to be carried. Anyone who couldn't carry one for whatever distance is required shouldn't be a firefighter. That would include ME. I never had a lot of upper-body strength and my chosen forms of exercise were karate or running. I do use the weights we have at home for cardio and muscle tone, but not strength. Take Bobby as an example. He could easily carry a hose reel or the end of a stretcher."

"Are there any female firefighters?"

"There is one female paramedic," I replied. "She had to qualify as a firefighter, which she did. But we're way off the concern you raised. My goal is to be the best husband and best father I can be."

"Consistent with being the best physician you can be."

I smiled, "Now it's my turn to say you don't need to repeat that, as we're both fully aware."

Kris laughed softly, "I did tell you to stop reminding me about something of which I was aware and which I'd accepted."

"Is there anything you would change?" I asked.

"Practically? No, given the topic which must not be named!"

We finished our ice cream, then headed home so we could continue our quest to provide Rachel with a sibling.

_October 7, 1989, McKinley, Ohio_

"Did you hear that Krista's attorney was in contact with the hospital and medical school?" Kylie asked when I walked into the ED on Saturday morning.

"I knew she's been in touch with the same law firm that has represented every student so far. In this case, I think it's an impossible task, given she lied on a sworn statement."

"I am SO glad you had the forethought to record the meeting!"

"That was Shelly Lindsay's idea. And I'd been warned by Leila Javadi. Anything interesting last night?"

"You'd have thought it was a full moon, though no werewolves!"

"He was sent to a psychiatric facility because they couldn't talk him off his belief he was going to bite someone. Anything left for me, or did the craziness abate?"

"One admission to Medicine; I literally just discharged the two drunken idiots who beat each other to a pulp. A pair of Sheriff's Deputies took them away because they destroyed the bar in the process."

"Better you than me! What's the admission?"

"Forty-eight-year-old with uncontrolled Type 2 diabetes with significant neuropathy. His glucose was 360 on admission. It's down to 260 with insulin bolus. Vitals are stable. He's in Trauma 3 on IV Ringer's with insulin."

"Thanks," I replied. "Who are my students? I didn't check the schedule."

"Karl Schmidt and Andy Norton. They're both on until 6:00pm."

"Thanks."

She left, I went to find my students, and after introducing myself, I asked for their procedure books so I understood what I was dealing with. Both of them had average numbers of procedures, and had received sign-offs for typical procedures for their year.

"Karl, get a chart and after your H&P, come get me. I'm going to check on the diabetic in Trauma 3."

They did as I instructed and I picked up the chart for the diabetic patient, Troy Abbott. I reviewed it, then went into the trauma room. He was sleeping, and I decided not to disturb him as his vitals were acceptable — pulse 100; BP 140/70; PO₂ 98% on a nasal canula. The orders were for a repeat glucose test at 0600, which was in about an hour, so I left the room, went to the lounge, and got some coffee.

"Morning, Petrovich!" Clarissa said, coming into the lounge.

"Hi, Lissa. What do you have?"

"An MI waiting on admission. You?"

"Diabetic with blood glucose through the roof."

"Morning, Mike; Morning Clarissa," Isabella Mastriano said, coming into the lounge.

"I heard you had a busy night," I said.

"Sixteen patients, including two who ended up arrested upon discharge."

"Did you get any sleep at all?"

"None of us did. Not even a nap. It was non-stop crazy. I have two waiting on discharge labs. You have the diabetic, right?"

"Yes, and Clarissa has the MI."

"Doctor Mastriano?" Nicki, the clerk, said from the door to the lounge, "Paramedics two minutes out with MVA."

"No rest for the wicked!" Doctor Mastriano declared, leaving the lounge.

"Do you think I'm unhappy?" I asked.

"What the heck prompted THAT question?" Clarissa asked.

"Last night, Kris asked me if I was unhappy. I was surprised by the question, and in the end, she couldn't point to anything other than saying something felt a bit 'off' with me. Do you agree?"

"There's always been something off about you, Petrovich!"

"Hardy-har-har."

"If I didn't give you a hard time, who would?"

"Whatever!"

"In all seriousness, I don't think you're unhappy, or even have a reason to be. Everything is pretty much going your way, minus the kerfuffle with Krista Sandberg, but that didn't may you unhappy, just a bit frustrated. And you pretty much moved on after your meeting with the Medical Director. Sure, you're unhappy with Doctor Gibbs, but I don't see that causing you to be down. Is there a problem at home?"

"No. Everything is fine as far as I can tell, and Kris expressly said she's not unhappy and there isn't anything she'd want to change."

"Maybe she's seeing the more stoic, focused Mike for the first time?"

"I don't feel I've changed anything."

"Sex?"

"At least twice a day, given we're trying to arrange a visit from the stork!"

"Have you cleared that with the Tsarina?" Clarissa inquired with a smirk.

"Her opinion of the idea of a baby brother has been duly noted and given appropriate attention."

"As in her opinion doesn't count!"

"Correct. And it's lovemaking, and it certainly doesn't feel like a chore."

"As if that were _ever_ how you felt about it!"

"True," I replied with a smirk. "But you know that trying to conceive can be stressful, which only makes it worse."

"Doctor Mike?" Andy said from the door to the lounge. "We're ready for you."